Breathe
by MusicAndAnime
Summary: When Clare's life is shattered she must pick up the pieces and just breathe. But will Clare be able to  do this with out Eli beside her. As she tries to piece together her past, present and futre can she try not to be consumed by he depression.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone this is a story that sort of just popped into my head when I was sitting in one of my classes. I got out my notebook and wrote it down, thankfully we weren't doing anything in that class that day but of course you don't want to know that you just want to read my Fanfiction. Anyways tell me what you think, please. Let me know if I should continue on with the story. Did I mention that this a Degrassi story for Eli and Clare.**

**Disclaimer: I own a cardboard fish. I don't own Degrassi.**

**Breathe Ch.1**

Clare's POV

(Flashback)

"_Eli stop please!" I yelled grabbing his hand._

"_No if I don't go face him he will never leave me alone." He said ripping his hand out of mine._

"_Eli someone's going to get hurt. Please don't fight him." I said pleading._

"_Clare it has to be done. What he did. He just went too far this time." He said._

"_No, please, I'm fine; please he didn't mean to, he didn't hurt me that bad." I yelled._

"_He did hurt you Clare! He hurt the only thing I loved!" Eli yelled back at me._

"_Well, well you showed up emo boy." Fitz laughed._

"_Eli please stop! I love you." I yelled as he walked closer to Fitz._

"_You went too far this time Fitz." Eli snarled at him._

"_Oh no that wasn't too far this is." He laughed pulling out a gun and pointing it at Eli._

"_No please stop!" I yelled as I felt tears in my eyes._

"_You don't have to go this far, no one has to die." Eli said backing away from Fitz._

"_That is where you are wrong. Goodbye Goldsworthy." Fitz laughed as he shot Eli._

"_Eli!" I yelled as I ran over to him crying. I held him in my arms as Fitz just stood there laughing. He started to walk away when he heard the sirens._

"_Clare I love you." Eli whispered._

"_I love you too. "I whispered back._

"_I'm going to miss those long 18 minute stares. The times where I get to stare at those beautiful blue eyes." He smiled._

"_Shh. It's going to be okay." I said through the tears as I ran my fingers through his hair._

_I leaned down and gave him a kiss tasting blood. I looked down at him and stared into his wonderful green eyes seeing tears form in them. The same green eyes that I looked into when I first stayed over at his house on that July Saturday night. Then there was the time where we got into our first big fight. He came to my house crying begging for my forgiveness. His eyes had never as green as they did on the day when he first told me he loved me._

"_Clare please tell Cece and Bullfrog that I lo…" He started before he took his final bittersweet breath on this cruel Earth. I heard the EMT's and police running over to us._

"_Victim, male, age 18, unresponsive, no pulse, not breathing, I don't think he is alive." The EMT said into their walkie talkie._

_I looked away as they carried the body of my Eli away. My Eli who had been murdered in front of my eyes. My Eli the only person who could make me feel loved. My Eli the only person in the world that I loved. My Eli the one who helped me get through all of the rough times in my life. My Eli my beautiful Eli. My Eli who was now gone from this world. My Eli who I will never get to hear his voice call out my name._

(Present Day)

This felt wrong. Sitting next to Cece both of us in a black dress. Bullfrog crying. Adam crying. Everyone who knew to be strong crying. This is wrong. Staring at Eli's body lying there in that casket. I felt like he should jump up and say "Surprise I'm alive and well!" Time to face the next group of people. Today was Eli's actual funeral. A few Degrassi students came well the ones that knew about his murder. Degrassi teachers walking in. Everyone giving me a hug. People I have never talked to before. Fiona walked up to me fresh tears in her eyes.

"Oh Clare, I'm so sorry." She said pulling me into a hug.

Everyone keeps saying that they are worried about me. I haven't been myself some say. My mom got me a therapist, the same one Eli went to for his Bipolar Disorder. Cece tells me it's time to say our goodbyes. Time for my speech. How will I be able to keep all of these locked up emotions in.

"Eli was my true love, my best friend. I didn't want to write this speech like I was talking to a group of people. I wanted to write it to Eli.

Dearest Eli,

There are many things I have wanted to say to you. I never got to tell you. I was saving them for when we got married like you promised. Remember we were going to write our own vows. Since I won't get to do that I will say them to you now. You're so special to me and I can't even explain why. All I want right now is to wake up where you are. You're favorite line that you always told me is still ringing in my ears. Remember when you said to me: "Wasn't beautiful when you believed in everything". Do you remember us being so in love that we didn't know what to do?" I stopped feeling tears because of the Eli quote I was ready to say.

"You would always tell me "Don't take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway". Who would have thought that you were right? You taught me so much. You taught me how to live, how to love. I gave you all of me and in return you gave me the love and happiness I was missing." I stopped silently letting the tears fall.

"But now, now you left me. I thought you were being selfish at first. I thought that you didn't love me anymore because you left me. I wanted to join you so bad that I threatened to take my own life. Then I realized you weren't being selfish. You did it out of love, you saved me. I love you forever Eli. Love, Clare." I said. I sat down between Adam and Fiona. I started to cry harder as I leaned my head on Fiona's shoulder as she comforted me.

It was time for his parents and me to have our private last goodbye with Eli. We went in and all just stood there for a minute. Cece and Bullfrog said their goodbyes and then they turned towards me.

"Clare, we want you to have a minute to yourself with Eli okay?" Bullfrog asked.

"Yeah, but can you please tell Fiona to come in with me, I may need her." I said.

"Of course sweetheart." Cece said. They walked out and Fi came in a minute later.

"I'm going to need you in the future and you're not going to be there. Why is the only thing I want to know but now that will never get answered?" I said grabbing his hand. It felt wrong holding his cold hand instead of his normal strong and warm one.

"Please just know I love you." I said before leaning down and placing one last kiss on his cold unloving lips. I felt Fiona pull me away and wrap me in a hug. I fell to the floor in her arms crying, more like sobbing.

"Clare its okay please stop crying you are going to make me cry." She said her voice cracking.

"Fiona you don't understand, my whole life is going to be buried in the ground. I can't let go of him." I said.

"Clare it's going to be alright." She said crying.

"I thought kissing him would bring him back, but then I remembered that my life isn't a fairy tale it's far from it. And to make it worse I have to testify at Fitz's murder trial." I said crying harder.

The rest of that day was one big blur in my eyes. We buried Eli and then everyone went to the Goldsworthy's house for food afterwards. I went home even though Cece said that I could stay over and sleep in Eli's room. I couldn't bring myself to walk in there yet. I came home and walked straight up to my bedroom. I took off my dress put on sweat pants, a cami, and one of Eli's jackets that I borrowed and never gave back.

**Well there you go! I hope you like it; please tell me if you like it and if I should continue on with this story. Well thanks for reading and I hope you did like it.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello again! I am really hyper right now because I started writing this chapter on the first day of my Spring Break. Plus both of the white boards in the band room at my school are full of Disney characters. I will post pictures on my profile. Did I mention I leave for Disney World in 3 days yeah, but any way onto chapter 2?**

**Disclaimer: I own a ceramic tiger. I do not own Degrassi.**

**Breathe Chapter 2**

Clare's POV

_(Flashback)_

_Today was the beginning of a new school year. I saw Eli pulled up in Morty in front of my house. I ran outside and smiled as I got in. I leaned over and gave Eli a kiss. He gave me a quick half smile; he wasn't in the best of moods this morning. Did he remember to take his pill? I hope so we don't need another incident like a few weeks ago. Days like these took its toll on both of us. When he is having a day like this caused from his Bi-polar disorder he has a hard time concentrating and then he ends up going manic. I am the one who has to calm him down but even that can be dangerous. It happened over the summer; we agreed never to speak of that day ever again. Eli was so mad at himself for what he did to me but I told him to just stay calm and that I was alright. We arrived at good old Degrassi when Eli pulled his medicine out of his back pack and took the pill real fast before I got out of Morty and walked around and opened Eli's door._

"_Come on the bell is going to ring soon. Don't you want to see if we are in the same English class again?" I said as I dragged Eli out of the hearse. It was a pretty funny site actually. Eli locked the door behind him. I looked at his blue senior shirt and then I looked at my red junior shirt. It was so hard to imagine how next school year I won't have Eli with me to help me survive Degrassi._

"_It wasn't a good morning at home." He mumbled. He knew I hated it when he mumbled but I let it go this one time._

"_Tell me what happened Eli. Please I can help you. "I said stopping both of us in our tracks. That was one of Eli's pet peeves. He hated it when someone stopped right in front of him when he was walking._

"_I will tell you Clare, but please don't tell anyone else. Yesterday we got a letter in the mail, it was to me, but my parents opened it first. It was a letter from a lawyer. Why would a lawyer send a letter to me? Well as it turns out after all of these years Julia's parents want to take me to court for the murder of their daughter. They are trying to say I killed Julia. I mean I believed I did at first but that was until you showed me that it wasn't my fault. Clare, can you do one thing for me about this whole court date, will you go with me and support me? I am afraid that I might go manic on them while I am there or I might get in one of my moods." He explained to me._

"_Of course Eli, but please tell me that this is one big old prank someone is playing. They can't do this to you. This isn't fair, Eli I'm so sorry." I said wrapping him in a hug,_

"_Come on I don't want you to be late for class." He said grabbing my hand. I could that he thought he made me sad by telling me about the letter. He was feeling bad for it, I wish I could tell him not to worry about me but that will never happen._

_Fiona and Adam met up with us and we walked to their homerooms. Eli walked me to mine last even though we passed his homeroom about 3 times already. He leaned down and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before he walked to his class. I walked into and saw Alli sitting at desk. She saw me and ran over and gave me a hug. Our teacher passed out our schedules and then the bell rang. I saw my class was in the computer lab. As looked at my schedule I accidently ran into someone. They grabbed me around the waist so I wouldn't fall. I looked up to see it was Eli who I had run into. He was laughing as he snatched my schedule out of my head._

"_You should really look where you are going." He smiled while reading the piece of paper._

"_Maybe you shouldn't try so hard to stalk me down in the hall ways and run into me." I laughed._

_He just smiled back and showed me that we had five classes together. First period we both had class in the computer lab, third we both had English, fourth we both had a free period, we had lunch together, and then we had gym together seventh period. We walked to the computer lab and got put in our assigned seats. Eli and I sat by each other but of course Fitz just had to sit across from us. When he looked over to see who he was sitting by he just laughed. The morning announcements came on and then Mr. Simpson took attendance. What a great way to kick off the school year._

(Present Day)

I sat in my car in the student parking lot just staring at the school. 7:15 the time that Eli would usually knock on my window and tell me "it's time for school blue eyes". Not today, today I have an odd looking, non-make up wearing, Alli standing at my window. I looked in my mirror and looked at myself, only it didn't feel like I was looking at myself. I was looking at a girl who had bags under her eyes, a girl who has been crying way too much, a girl with grayish pale skin, and a girl whose once stunning blue eyes now looked gray. Gray eyes that looked like they had the life sucked from them. I got out of my car and Alli wrapped me in a tight hug. She let go and pressed a piece of paper in my hand. I didn't want to read it right away so I put it in my pocket. We walked up the stairs and Alli opened the door for us. They changed it so that our first period was also homeroom. Some people stared at me others just kept walking. (Alli was also in the computer lab with me first period.) We walked into class and Alli sat down next to me in Eli's seat. It hurt to realize that all of this could have been stopped if Eli and I would have asked to get our seats changed. Eli kept telling me that if we moved our seats Fitz would see how weak we are, and being weak was not an option to Eli.

"Good morning Degrassi students, today is a new day. There are no announcements today but we would like to have a moment of silence for Eli Goldsworthy." Katie Matlin started, after a minute she continued.

"As many of you may know Eli Goldsworthy was murdered 2 weeks ago. Grief consolers are still available in the office for anyone who needs someone to talk to. Have a good day." She finished.

"I bet the murder is just a cover up." I heard someone whisper.

"I bet he committed suicide that kid was obsessed with death." Another student whispered back.

"I wonder if Clare helped him." Someone else laughed.

How could they think about this stuff? I felt all eyes on me. My own eyes started to fill with tears. I got up and ran out of class. I knew it was a mistake coming back to school. Mom did say Cyber School was an option. I ran to the bathroom and made sure no one was in there. Once I was in the clear I collapsed on the floor balling my eyes out. I heard the door open and faint steps and sniffles. The next thing I knew Alli was on the floor next to me hugging me.

"Clare I'm so sorry for what those other students said to you." She said.

"They knew I was there why would they say that stuff?" I asked.

"Because they are jerks Clare, or even better they are bitches." She said.

"Do you think I should just suck it up and go talk to the counselors in the office?" I questioned.

"Yes and I will come with you but first look at that paper I gave you." She said.

I grabbed the paper out of my pocket and unfolded it. I knew Eli's writing when I saw it. Why would Alli have a note from Eli? I started to read it to see what it was all about.

"Clare,

So as we both know a very important day is coming up for us. Okay let me just tell it will be our two anniversary soon. I have a very special surprise for you. Actually it is sitting in front of me as I write this. Show this note to my parents when you come over for dinner they will know what to do.

Love forever,

Eli."

Out two year anniversary was only a few weeks away. What did he want to give me? Should I still go over? Will I even be ready to walk back inside that house? I looked up at Alli who was standing up. She put her hand out and helped me up.

"How did you get this?" I asked.

"Eli gave me this a week before his death. He told me he trusted me and he knew I would give it to you. I thought maybe you might like to have it now." She said.

"Do you think I should still go over to his house?" I questioned.

"Only if you think you are ready." She responded.

"Well I guess the only way to get better is to talk to someone." I said.

I looked over at Alli and we walked out of the bathroom. She walked me to the office and I waited until one of the grief counselors called me in. "Remember Clare this is the first step to recovery." Eli's voice echoed through my head from the time I went to his counselors with him. I wonder if my session will be like his.

**Hmmmm I wonder what happened at his counselor's office? Oh wait you will get to find out in the next chapter (insert evil laugh) any who R&R please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey soo I would like to dedicate this chapter to Munroloverx1. She gave me my first review for this story. I have written other stories and I have had other people review those stories, but this is my first story in a while. I am actually so intrigued in this story and writing that I am so excited to get a review on it. Okay so now that I have poured my heart out to you guys I will now present you with the third chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I own a red polo shirt. I do not own Degrassi.**

**Breathe Ch.3**

Clare's POV

_(Flashback)_

_I was sitting in Morty as Eli quietly drove to his counselor's office. He had asked me to come with him. It was a step for him; I mean it has been a year since he was diagnosed. He would always tell me how one day he would bring me along. In fact he told me that his counselor said that when he is ready that I should attend a session. Eli looked over at me for a split second and smirked. I think he could tell I was nervous._

"_Clare you are so nervous." He laughed._

"_Don't I have a right to be?" I asked._

"_Well yeah, I guess." He smiled._

"_How do you guess?" I questioned._

"_Well enough with all of this talk, we are here." He said._

_Eli parked Morty and then we walked around and opened my door for me. He grabbed my hand and then we walked into the building. I sat down as Eli went and signed himself in. He came and sat next to me and put his arm around me. I reached down and picked up the book '__The Lives I Now Know'__. _**(A/N okay just to tell you guys this: A. That book I made up is an actual novel that I have been writing.)**_ I looked over at Eli and he just laughed._

"_Elijah Goldsworthy." The secretary said. We stood up and followed her into a room._

"_Dr. Brown will be in a couple minutes." She smiled and then left._

"_Clare you can sit down." Eli smiled as he motioned to the couch._

"_Oh yeah." I said nervously._

"_Clare please don't be nervous." He said coming to sit down next to me._

"_I know I shouldn't be but it's just an uncomfortable situation." I said back._

"_Remember Clare this is the first step to recovery." He said to me. His green eyes staring into my blue eyes._

"_Whose recovery Eli?" I asked him._

"_Our recovery together. I had my first step; you have had your first step. Now this is our first step as a couple." He smiled._

"_Eli." Dr. Brown smiled as she walked in._

"_Oh Dr. Brown this is Clare." Eli said as she held her hand out for me to shake._

"_How are you today Eli?" Dr. Brown asked._

"_I'm good." He said_

"_Okay. Have you gone manic at all in the past week?" She questioned._

"_No I haven't." He said squeezing my hand._

"_Okay Eli if you don't mind I would like to talk to Clare by myself and then we will bring you back in and we can all talk." She smiled._

"_Of course." Eli said as he got up and walked out._

"_Dr. Brown why do you need to just talk to me?' I asked._

"_I need to talk to you because I have some concerns about Elijah." She said._

"_Why don't you talk to his parents about it?'' I questioned her._

"_Because you know him better than they do. He has told me about how many things you know that his parents don't know. But I know something's that no one knows." She said._

"_What do you know?" I asked quickly._

"_When he is ready he will tell you. Now please explain how your relationship with Eli has changed since he was diagnosed." She said._

"_Well it has gotten stronger, but it has also gotten weaker, and sometimes he scares me but I try to stick through it." I said_

"_Can you please explain why it has gotten stronger?" she asked._

"_Well I understand that he is going to need me. He knows that I will always be there for him. I was with him every step of the way and because of that it has made us stronger. It feels like we could make it through anything if we made it through that." I said._

"_How has it gotten weaker?" She asked._

"_Well how it is weaker is also why he scares me. I feel that sometimes that when he does have a manic episode he is going to hurt me. So there goes some of my trust issues. I would love to trust him when he says that he would never hurt me but I just can't." I said regretting the words that I have just said._

"_Okay thank you Clare. Let me go get Eli." She smiled. They both came back in and Eli sat down beside me._

"_I love you." Eli whispered in my ear._

"_Okay so after my session with Clare I think I know how I can help you two." She said._

"_And what would that be?" Eli asked._

"_I think it would be best if you two broke up." She sort of smirked._

"_What the hell is that supposed to mean!" Eli yelled as he got up and left the room slamming the door behind him._

"_Eli wait!" I yelled after him. I was stopped by Dr. Brown's hand grabbing my wrist._

_She handed me her business card. On the back it said 'Call if you need any help.' I didn't want her help she just made Eli go off. I ran outside to see him sitting on the ground next to Morty. It looked like there was some sort of drink or spill or something around him. I walked closer but something made me stop. There was a shiny object in Eli's hand._

"_Please don't come any closer Clare." He said his voice shaking._

"_This is the secret that you only told Dr. Brown isn't." I said._

"_Clare please just go away." He said._

"_Eli I can't go away now. I love you too much." I said slowly approaching._

_My thoughts were right. He had cut himself. My Eli hurting himself why? I walked over to him and grabbed the pocket knife off of the ground. I helped Eli up and then I wrapped him in a hug. I walked him around to the passenger side and helped him in. He handed me his keys and I walked around to the driver's side._

"_Clare if you open up the glove compartment there are Band-Aids and stuff in there." He said._

"_Okay." I said as I opened the compartment and grabbed the Band-Aids and a towel._

_I cleaned his cuts and then I put the Band-Aids on the cuts. I drove him home and then I called my mom to tell her I was sleeping over Alli's house. I grabbed a bottle of water and then walked up to Eli's room. He was lying on his bed sleeping. The only time when he could truly be innocent looking._

(Present Day)

Alli walked into the counselor's office with me. We sat down and waited for the counselor to walk in. When she did walk in I couldn't believe who I had to talk to. Dr. Brown. Eli hadn't gone to her since she told us that we should break up.

"Clare Edwards, I haven't seen you in a while." She smirked.

"Alli maybe we could just go talk to someone else." I said.

"Why would you want that?" Alli asked.

"Alli why don't you let Clare and I talk." Dr. Brown smiled.

"Yeah sure. Clare I will be out here waiting for you." Alli said.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"I see Eli got himself killed. No doubt you helped with that." She looked at me.

"Eli and I both knew that it would be better if we stayed together." I said standing up.

"Clare call me if you ever need to talk." She smiled.

"Why would I ever want to talk to you again?" I asked stunned.

"Well let's just say that I have been talking to your boyfriend's murderer lately." She said.

After she said that I just had to get out of there. I could tell she never really liked Eli. I met her once before and she just seemed so different. Eli never really noticed anything but I could tell. I could tell that something was off. I knew what it was now. Fitz had been going to her at the same time as Eli was. But still that doesn't explain why she would tell me about her seeing Fitz.

"Clare, are you okay?" Alli asked.

"Alli, Dr. Brown is related to Fitz somehow. I just know it" I said blankly.

I'm going to get down to the bottom of this somehow. This would be a big step. I had a lot of big steps coming up in my life soon. Eli and mine's 2 year anniversary, and then of course Fitz's trial.

**Poor Clare it's like the world just hates her. Well bad news is the world will hate her more in the next chapter. Yes it's the chapter about their 2 year anniversary. Major plot twist oh wait I have said too much already farewell my avid readers love you all!**


End file.
